You Might Miss Out on Your Kingdom Spouse Because You Are Focused On Your Type

In this world of dating, we can get used to dating our type. You know your type because you constantly seem to be dating a different person, but their personality or attitude is just the same as other relationships you've been in before. Since those relationships haven't worked before, I am going to assume that they will not work now. So, let's take a realistic look at what you might be missing because you are focusing on your type.

What Has Not Worked In The Past?

Before we take a deep dive into qualities, characteristics, and features you should be looking for with your Kingdom Spouse, let's first take a look at what has not worked about your previous relationships. What was it about those previous relationships that did not work? Were you more focused on physical features and appearances rather than the quality of the person and the relationship? There are so many ways we can get into relationships, but this time, we want to make sure we are focusing on the right way, and patiently waiting on God for his best.

Something else to ask yourself is, Was there something about you that needed to change or still needs to be changed to prepare for marriage? Sometimes, we are so focused on the other person not being the one or not fitting into our vision for marriage and love but we fail to point the finger on ourselves. How did you contribute to the failure of your previous relationships? Was it insecurity? Was it being too confident or having an over inflated ego? Was it focusing too much on superficial things, past hurts, and traumas that you entered into the relationship with these burdens to bear? Before entering into a healthy, God-centered relationship, it is important to heal from your past first. Then, you can be the best version of you for the man or woman God has called you to through marriage.

Instead of Focusing on Your Type,

Focus on Everything Else

Focus on Aligning Christian Values and Beliefs

One of the first things you should consider when dating or preparing for a Kingdom Marriage is whether your Christian values and beliefs align. In the Christian faith there are many denominations. This can cause a lot of discord in your future marriage before it even gets started. So know that your values and beliefs should align first before you move forward to more serious matters regarding marriage. While this should not be date number one or two, pretty early on you should have a good sense of the person's values and beliefs around God and how the person sees God in your potential relationship and future marriage.

Along with sharing the same values and beliefs, you should also know where your potential spouse plans to put you and God in positioning for marriage. Does he or she place God first? Is that evident? Does he or she believe you as partners should be second over your children and extended family outside of the household? These should be in alignment first because, if not, it can cause conflict later on down the line, especially if one person puts children and extended family and even friends far above your marriage. It simply will not work nor is it in alignment with biblical principles. So, be clear about how you both view faith and family for your future marriage.

Focus on Characteristics

Next, focus on the day-to-day matters. What would be important for the both of you as you prepare for courtship and seriously entering into a godly relationship with the purposes of marriage? One of the first conversations you should have is around finances. While this may not be on the priority list for date number one, it should be one of the first topics of conversation for date number two or three. Be serious about your concerns around spending. How does your partner feel about debt? Is he/she a spender or a saver? Do they like to invest or spend thriftily? Do they prefer spontaneous excursions where they can splurge or are they more intentional with planning and saving for trips, vacations, and holidays? Understand how your similarities or differences will work (or not) as you move along the path towards a Kingdom marriage.

Something I don't think is talked about until it actually happens is how to settle disagreements. I've had relationships where I could respectfully settle disagreements after an hour-long conversation. Then, I've had relationships where every disagreement turned into finger pointing, name calling, and accusations. Know which style works best for you. If you know you need a few minutes to take a mental break before or during a heated discussion or disagreement, let your partner know that. If your partner always wants to settle the issue in the moment rather than wait on it for a day or two, come up with a reasonable compromise. Know your argument style and how to work together, establishing rules and boundaries for when those times do arise - because they will arise!

Focus on Couple Goals

I know we've all seen the celebrity couples who look like they're having so much fun on Instagram or TikTok, but don't compare your relationship to theirs. Your relationship is unique because it has the two of you, two unique individuals coming together to become one. Learn to establish your own rules and couple goals. What do you want in your relationship? What do you want as a couple? How about as parents? As a dynamic family unit? Come to agreement on these things and make sure to meet regularly to determine whether or not your goals are still in alignment and you are actively working towards them.

Do you like your partner? I know this seems like a simple question, but no, Do you like your partner? Realize that this man or woman of God is going to be with you for a very long time. When the kids are moved out of the house and you are empty nesters. When you are no longer working 40+ hours a week. When you are going through a mid-life crisis. You two will need to rely on each other. So, do you like your partner?

Have fun! Be vulnerable. Let your hair down. Relax. When you are able to completely rest in your partner, you can feel safe with them. You can feel vulnerable with them because you know he or she has your best interest at heart. So, have fun with each other and throughout your marriage be intentional about ways to continue the fun in spite of all the life changes that are ahead.

Focus on Everything Else

Last, focus on physical features, but be specific while being broad. I remember when I heard the voice of God ask, "So what do you want in a husband?" I really had to think about it. I knew the qualities I wanted but I realized I also needed to be specific about looks. I realized that in my past I'd settled for men because of their personality. This means that even if their looks weren't the best, as long as they were friendly and we had fun and could get along, I was good. However, as God began taking me on a healing journey I realized I no longer wanted to settle. I wanted to actually date someone who was not only attractive in my eyes, but attractive to others as well (not model type or pretty boy type, but definitely pleasing to the eye). So, I put in specifics about height (giving a broad range), weight (focusing on a mid-point and explaining why), and dress (because I wanted him to match my aesthetic, especially if we went out on date nights or to events. I love to dress!).

So, if there are some specifics regarding your person's physical qualities, be specific but broad. Allow God to work with you to accept what you are willing to tolerate. Sometimes, the best packages are not wrapped up with a gorgeous bow. They may come in a gift bag instead, but they are still well worth it. So, give a little grace and be open to what God has for you.

About the Author

Koryne C. Nnoli, Ph.D. is the founder, instructor, and coach of Kingdom Spouse Ministry and Kingdom Spouse Academy. Through her ministry, she prepares Christians on how to navigate through a Kingdom Spouse relationship from preparation to courtship to marriage. Follow her on TikTok @drkcnnoli or on YouTube and Instagram @kingdomspouseministry.