Don't Miss Out on Your Kingdom Spouse Because He/She Is Too Nice

Have you been avoiding a great man or woman because he or she is too nice? This has happened time and time again. You have become so accustomed to dating from trauma, drama, and unhealed hurt, pain, and neglect that you don't know how to welcome wife or husband potential when it is staring you in the face!

In this post, I share with you a few reasons why you may be delayed from meeting your future spouse and solutions to changing your mindset so you can enter a Kingdom marriage God's way.

THE PROBLEMS

Relationship Trauma and Drama

This may not be your first relationship, but this may be the first time you are preparing for marriage in a godly way. When you make the decision to marry God's way, realize there is a lot of preparation and healing in the process. The traumatic or dramatic relationships you were used to in the past are not what God has in store for you. So, don't expect that of your Kingdom Spouse.

God intends for love and marriage to be done his way. He wants to present you with a partner who exudes love in the way he would. Refer to Ephesians 5 for men and the books of Ruth and Esther for women. It is a process. And sometimes that process does not look like previous relationships because we will need to enter it healthy and whole and healed. So, let go of the drama, trauma, and warfare. You won't need to prepare for the daily fights and arguments in this relationship as you did in the past. Focus on their heart and character rather than unnecessary roughness to prepare for a battle neither you or your future spouse need to face.

Unintentional Sabotage

I get it! When we meet someone who is too sweet or too kind or too nice we think, This can't be the person for me! Or, I don't deserve someone like this. He/She is too nice! I'm going to defile him/her. When we make statements like that it is like we automatically are telling ourselves that we are not good enough for God's best. What if that person who is "too sweet" or "too kind" or "too nice" is exactly what you need and you are exactly what he or she needs? You are just so used to dealing with less than God's best that now that is your level of normalcy that you expect, which ultimately puts you back into a cycle of unhealthy relationship patterns. Once you are willing to release yourself from the toxicity of the past, then you can move on with the health, happiness, and joy of the future with your Kingdom spouse.

Unhealed Hurt

I had a friend who kept getting into toxic relationships with women. Each time, he would complain that they did him wrong. They cheated on him. They made him feel like less than a man. They complained about every little thing he did and regardless of how much he catered to them and was present for them and remembered the little things, they failed to acknowledge any of it. Yet, when he entered a relationship with a woman who did recognize him for all that he did, he did not know how to respond. He was so used to other women treating him like crap that when someone actually appreciated his efforts, he felt like it was wrong...like she was wrong, and not being the authentic version of herself. He kept expecting her to act like all the other women from his past. He hadn't healed from the past hurts from previous relationships and was taking it out on his current one. I guess you can figure out what happened with that relationship. Yep! It did't last long.

Maybe this is you and you have become so accustomed to being the one to do the most in the relationship and not be appreciated or recognized for it. Maybe you were the one who seemed into the relationship more than your partner. Now, is the time to start preparing your mind for the possibility that maybe God has his best out there for you and he or she will be just as equally invested in the relationship as you. Why? Because you deserve it and, believe it or not, God has his best out there for you. It's time to start believing it.

Feeling Undeserving

When I first began dating in my early 20s, I felt undeserving of a godly relationship. I had insecurities from my childhood that stuck with me well into adulthood. This was the basis of how I chose my relationships. I did not feel like I deserved love God's way. In fact, I told myself as long as I could just settle for whomever approached me I would be good. And I did!

Those first few relationships, while they were good and we ended on friendly terms, I knew they were not God's best for me. Then, when I entered into marriage I still was not fully healed from past traumas. I quickly entered into a relationship and then marriage because I felt like I deserved it (those were my words to myself). Yet, I went about it all wrong. I did not enter into the relationship or marriage God's way. It took over a decade of healing to really see that I deserved God's best and he had his best waiting for me. If I would have been stuck in the mental state of settling for less than God's best, I would not have been ready to receive his best for my life through Kingdom marriage.

THE SOLUTIONS

So, we've identified the problems. We've come to terms with them. We recognize were we need growth, healing, and change. Now, what? Well, here are four solutions to getting you back on track to marriage God's way.

Recognize Your Worth

Recognize that above all else you are a child of God first! This means that God has his best for you. He wants to spoil you with his best, but you have to see that for yourself. You have to see you in the eyes of God. If you have some negative habits, attitudes, or personality traits, it's time to change those so that you can prepare to be the man or woman of God he has called you to be through marriage. First, focus on building a relationship with God by reading his Word, building your life around prayer, praise, and worship, and get to know God's love and how as your Father, he wants to love you and spoil you as his best and his creation. You are worth so much to him, if you can only see it.

Know You Deserve More

One day, after having a dream about my Kingdom Spouse, the song "You Deserve It" by JJ Hairston and Youthful Praise was playing in my head. I knew this was God's way of telling me that I deserved all the things that were coming my way in relation to marriage. The things you have been praying for in a husband or wife, God is telling you that you deserve it. You deserve the best. You deserve His best, so don't give up on God and dont't give up on love. He has better out there for you. He has more our there for you than you can even imagine. So, keep going. You deserve it!

Seek Out God's Love

When I was younger my mom used to always tell me, remember 1 Corinthians 13. I knew it. Love is patient. Love is kind. Blah, blah, blah. Sure! It seemed like fairy tales and fantasy to me, especially as I got older and grew into adulthood. Love definitely did not seem patient or kind. It always seemed to be boastful and hurtful and tell me when I was doing wrong. I figured I must not be doing love God's way.

Then, I began to have a deeper relationship with God. I began to understand the way God loves us as our heavenly Father. HE is patient. HE is kind. HE keeps no records of wrong. HE is what 1 Corinthians 13 was all about. But, when we seek out a godly marriage, we should also ensure that our partners also exude those qualities. We should seek out partners who love how God loves us because he wants us to experience that love here on earth. So, know that God wants that for you. If you don't believe it, it's about time you did.

Heal Past Hurts, Pains, and Traumas

Remember that friend I told you about? The one who sabotaged a good relationship because he was so used to trauma? Well, that was not his first rodeo. It actually took him several years to finally settle into a relationship that was healthy and whole. He needed to do a lot of inner work to realize that some of his hurt had a lot to do with childhood trauma that was passed on to his romantic relationships. Once he realized that, he was able to move on and manage conflicts better and communicate more about his wants and needs.

So, if you still have past traumas, pains, hurts, and insecurities that you need to heal from, do it before you meet your Kingdom spouse. This way, you will enter into the relationship as two healthy, healed individuals ready to become one.

About the Author

Koryne C. Nnoli, Ph.D. is the founder, instructor, and coach of Kingdom Spouse Ministry and Kingdom Spouse Academy. Through her ministry, she prepares Christians on how to navigate through a Kingdom Spouse relationship from preparation to courtship to marriage. Follow her on TikTok @drkcnnoli or on YouTube and Instagram @kingdomspouseministry.